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If you see a man wearing a glazed expression, a hard hat, a pair of UGG boots and an England shirt signed by Fabio Capello, don’t call the police.
It’s probably just a FIFA World Cup bid inspector.
Harold Mayne-Nicholls and his doughty band on Thursday completed their hectic perambulation around the nine bids and 11 countries still hoping to stage either the 2018 or the 2022 World Cup.
In the course of their odyssey, which began on July 19 at Kansai International Airport, Japan and ended in Doha, they have been showered with all manner of small, sometimes esoteric gifts by their hosts, who were obviously eager to please.
Don’t worry, this is all above board.
The rules of conduct permit “occasional gifts that are generally regarded as having symbolic or incidental value and that exclude any influence on a decision in relation to the Bidding Process”.
While FIFA’s Code of Ethics states that officials are “not permitted to accept gifts and other benefits that exceed the average relative value of local cultural customs”.
So allow me to fill you in on some of those items the inspectors will have had to try and cram into their luggage during what may currently seem two of the longest months of their lives.
First up, Japan regaled them with a picture book of inspectors’ “Smiles”,captured during their visit (and clearly put together with impressive speed), along with an illustration drawn by Yoichi Takahashi, a manga artist known (though not by me) as the author of Captain Tsubasa.
In South Korea, items included a vase made by a local artist and football jerseys from both the national team and FC Seoul of the K-League.
On to Australia and - what else? - a Come Play-branded boomerang and those UGG boots.
First stop in Europe was Belgium/Holland who came up with a box of chocolates (no surprise there), but also a sheet of LED foil enabling, or so I am told, its user to read and write in the dark.
Russia produced a souvenir plate, commemorating the inspectors’ visit to the Luzhniki Stadium and presented by Yuri Luzhkov, Moscow’s Mayor.
The delegation also received another photo book, as well as the hard hats they wore in Saint Petersburg when inspecting the site of the new World Cup stadium.
England contributed a leather document-carrier, as well as the Capello shirt and a Manchester United jersey signed by World Cup winner Sir Bobby Charlton.
Spain/Portugal gave them a tie and a ballpoint pen, while the United States loaded them up with more soccer jerseys.
Last port of call was Qatar and a specially-commissioned piece of Arabic calligraphy spelling “unity”.
Who would I award the prize for the best gift to?
Well much as I like the idea of the Russian hard hats, not to mention a shirt signed by Sir Bobby Charlton, I have to give second place to Australia and its UGG boots.
The clear winner though - because of the image it conjures up of FIFA inspectors so diligent that they don’t even let the absence of light prevent them from working - is Belgium/Holland and its LED foil.
Congratulations - we’ll try and rustle up an insideworldfootball fridge magnet.
The reality is – with bid inspection reports expected to be available, according to my understanding, in early November, at least to bidders and FIFA Executive Committee members – that Mayne-Nicholls and his colleagues will indeed be burning the midnight oil in coming weeks.
The all-important vote, of course, is scheduled for December 2.
David Owen is a specialist sports journalist who worked for 20 years for the Financial Times in the United States, Canada, France and the UK. He ended his FT career as sports editor after the 2006 World Cup and is now freelancing, including covering the 2008 Beijing Olympics and the 2010 World Cup. Owen’s Twitter feed can be found at www.twitter.com/dodo938