Doha, April 1, 2013 – In a surprise move, Qatar has announced the imminent purchase of Jersey, a Bailiwick of HM The Queen, and declare it a “Qatar Overseas Territory” (similar to the French equivalents of Guadeloupe and Martinique, both of which are “Départements d’Outre-mer” – Overseas Departments of France).
With the island’s rich history as “a no-man’s land for far too long and contested by France and the British Throne throughout its history, and now a private property of the British Crown”, the official media release reads, the purchase will “bring long-desired peace and certainty to Jersey’s indigenous population and the thousands of tax exiles who make up the majority of its inhabitants”. Famous for its cows (pictured) and tax loopholes, the island has lots of green land to build 12 stadia on.
Qatar have already submitted detailed plans for a revolutionary heating system that will be operating in all of the 12 stadia on Jersey.
The official release states that “given the God-awful Channel Islands weather – rather similar to that of the British Isles, hence uninhabitable for much of the year, Jersey farmers and international football fans alike will be enchanted to finally witness a warm summer”.
Qatar further confirmed that its original plans to host the 2022 World Cup on homeland soil have been reviewed and amended in order to “demonstrate our determination to satisfy our friends in London and Paris, both of which cities are rapidly becoming majority-owned by the Qatar Investment Association. We already own the vast part of meaningful properties and companies in England and France and our integration of Jersey was the logical next step to secure he kind of joy and happiness that Germany demonstrated during its own 2006 World Cup”, the report says.
“With Jersey being ideally located between the two countries, a World Cup on Overseas Qatari soil will contribute to the better understanding between EU strongman France and EU dissident Great Britain”, the report said.
Plans are well advanced to build Europe’s largest airport in the Channel (with similar technology being used as in Hong Kong and Tokyo where runways are built on water as well), which is set to compete with overcrowded Heathrow and Charles De Gaulle airports as a truly global hub. Qatar Airways have already reserved all landing slots on “Jersey Global Airhub”, as the new mega airport will be called.
“We shall present many more details within the next 60 days, jointly in “France Football”, a French football weekly and The Times of London, an English daily tabloid, and are very comfortable to satisfy all of FIFA’s requirements without any doubt,” the report concludes. “We are somewhat concerned about the usually awful weather conditions during the British summer but our technology and engineering prowess will guarantee ideal solutions,” the official report said.
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